


Clever Girl

by poechild



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Communication, M/M, Post TST, Pre-Slash, Talking, Therapy, Yelling, i wrote this before TLD came out and im just now posting it, okay so....., pre tld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 01:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poechild/pseuds/poechild
Summary: Ella purposefully schedules John and Sherlock’s appointments back-to-back one day so they have to see and talk to each other when one is leaving and the other is arriving.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, I wrote this before TLD came out and I'm only just now posting this because I didn't have a laptop then and it's a pain in the ass to post a work from my phone. So. Canon divergence post tst.

“I’ll see you next week then?” Ella asks.

“Yes,” Sherlock says as he stands. The couch is new. Leather. It squeaks in protest with every movement.

It wasn’t there when Sherlock first started seeing Ella. He doesn’t like the change.

Sherlock leaves, walking slowly and with his head lowered. The appointment has emotionally and physically drained him. He just wants to go home.

A familiar voice uttering Sherlock’s name permeates his thoughts, but he dismisses it as a fantasy. Sherlock hasn’t heard that voice in ages, and it’s not the first time he’s heard John’s voice when he isn’t there.

The pleasant tapping of his shoes against the old tile floor, the consistency of it, calms Sherlock’s frayed nerves. He focuses on his breathing, his steps, lines them together. Inhale, _tap tap tap_ , exhale, _tap tap tap_.

“ _Sherlock?_ ” the apparition says again. But…it lacks the echo of his hallucinations. This voice is solid and most definitely real.

Sherlock stops. The lack of sound deafens his ears, pushing in on him and making him feel trapped.

He turns, not quite ready to believe what he knows he’ll see.

John stands awkwardly, having just risen from his seat in the waiting hall. He looks ragged, the wrinkles on his face deeper and more defined. The elbows of his cardigan are worn thin. His hands are clenched loosely against his sides.

His eyes are weary, and he looks so very sad.

This man Sherlock loves, the man he has died for, the man he has decided to _live_ for, stands before him in trepidation, and it hurts Sherlock’s heart to see him anything but confident and sure.

“John?”

John hesitates, his mouth opening slightly before closing again. He settles for a small nod.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”

“I…”

“No, it’s okay, I understand.”

“You-You’re seeing a therapist?”

Sherlock stops, suddenly becoming aware of exactly where he is standing and why. He doesn’t have the energy to come up with an excuse, so he doesn’t deny it.

“Yes.”

“…Why?”

Sherlock looks at John, almost a glare, and says, “You know why.”

He moves to leave but stops when he hears John’s stern, “No!”

“No.” John is breathing harshly. “You are not allowed to walk away from this. Not now. Not after everything that happened.”

“Then what _am_ I allowed!” Sherlock explodes, finally turning and stopping an arm’s width away from John. “I am human! I make mistakes! As you _very_ well know, John.”

John doesn’t speak, his jaw clenched and eyes hard.

Sherlock starts again, softer. “I am human. I have emotions, I have feelings. I…I don’t know how to handle them and I need _help_.

“There are things that I just can’t understand. I have tried, and I have been belittled in my attempts. You always tell me to stop being such a machine, and when I do _try_ , you and everyone else make fun of me for it. I am put down for trying to conform to what everyone wants me to be.” Sherlock looks down, suddenly tired. “John…I need your help understanding them. If you’ll have me.”

“Oh, Sherlock…”

Sherlock seems to collapse in on himself, his shoulders hunching even further, his head hanging. He feels the sudden urge to just lay down and stay there. He drops to his knees instead, exhausted.

Sherlock sees John’s shadow moving towards him and raises his head.

“Sherlock, I was wrong to blame you.” John closes his eyes and sighs, resigned. “I was planning on leaving Mary, before she died- it’s okay, I know you knew.”

Sherlock had suspected, of course, but he didn’t want to believe it. Didn’t want John to be hurt, and didn’t want to get his own hopes up.

“When she died… when she died I felt guilty. I was going to leave her, and then she said all of those things to me… I felt guilty that she loved me that much and I couldn’t tell her the same.

“I-I idolized you, put you up on a pedestal… and you were _there_ so I took my anger out on you claiming that you broke a vow that was impossible to keep. I was wrong, and I am sorry. I am so, so sorry, Sherlock.”

Sherlock stares, his eyes gleaming with new tears.

Sherlock whispers, “I forgive you.”

John smiles a sad smile. “I don’t deserve it.”

“You deserve the whole world, and I would give it to you if I could.” Sherlock doesn’t know how that slipped from his tongue, but it did, and he can’t take it back. He doesn’t want to. It’s the truth. He would do anything for John, and he wants John to know that.

“Get up, your knees must be hurting.”

John offers his hand and Sherlock takes it. It’s warm and calloused, just the way Sherlock remembers from the precious few, short, times they’ve held hands. He remembers them all.

Sherlock stands and John squeezes his hand once before letting go.

Sherlock takes a large breath to clam himself, exhaling after a few long seconds.

When he opens his eyes he sees Ella standing in the doorway, smiling. Odd, he hadn’t heard the door open.

“Dr. Watson, it’s time for your appointment.”

“Oh, um, actually…”

“Would you like Sherlock to come with you?” she asks.

John looks towards Sherlock, his eyes flirting between panic and plea. “You don’t have to- if you’ve- got plans- but… we’ve been talking and we thought- Ella thought that- uh, if we had a session together then we might- be able to, erm, work some more stuff out because- so much has happened and neither of us are very good at- emotions and all of that, and-”

“I’d love to.”

John stops rambling, looking rather embarrassed.

“I’d do anything for you John, surely you must know that by now.”

“…Yes. I do.”

Ella looks at Sherlock knowingly and walks back into her office, John and Sherlock following.

Sherlock now realises, as he and John sit next to each other, why Ella replaced the single chair for a sofa. How long has she been planning this?

John is stiff and uncomfortable next to him, but so is Sherlock. They need this, and Sherlock knows that. It won’t be fun, and it won’t be easy, but Sherlock knows that they can make it through this.

“You okay?” Sherlock asks in a low voice while Ella finds the notes she keeps for John’s appointments.

“Not really, but I think I will be.”

They share a small smile, and Sherlock hopes that they will heal, that their relationship isn’t irrevocably ruined. That they will not drift even further apart.

Because there is nothing Sherlock won’t do to keep that from happening.

**Author's Note:**

> [Reblog](http://softlygasping.tumblr.com/post/155421861230/softlygasping-what-if-ella-purposefully-schedules) on my [tumblr](http://softlygasping.tumblr.com/).


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